A Different Perspective on Domestic Violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I continue my crusade to raise awareness and end domestic violence.

Earlier this month, I asked readers to leave comments on my post Men Must Take a Stand Against Domestic Violence: My Personal Pledge. For each comment I receive, I will personally donate $1 to help domestic violence victims at the Houston Area Women’s Center.

One comment really struck me because it provided a different perspective on domestic violence. I’d like to share it and get some feedback from you:

Thank you for doing this. I will say, though, that as someone who has been in a domestically-abusive relationship, there is a big difference between a man who has issues with anger-management, jealousy and other irrational thought patterns which compel him to violence, and a man who is trying to do his best by a woman who is relationally-destructive and is compelled to violence by his desperation.

I would never justify the physical abuse I suffered; however, I do know that I was an insufferable, non-committed asshole to a man who wanted to marry me. I was not ready to accept his commitment to me because I was still “protecting” myself due to leftover hurt from a past relationship. We as women need to be more self-aware and respectful toward men; if we do our part, we should have nothing to fear. But antagonistic women should not be in a relationship because they are not emotionally mature enough to create a loving environment. And women should NEVER use the convention that “men should never put their hands on a woman” as an EXCUSE to piss him off or disrespect him, period.

It’s all about mutual respect and self-awareness. Ultimately, however, we should all be vigilant about situations in which a woman is being unnecessarily victimized by a man who is clearly not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship; the concept of emotional maturity goes both ways. Just wanted to share my thoughts because I don’t believe this to be a dichotomous issue.

I really appreciate the commenter’s honesty and willingness to share her own experience with domestic violence. But her comment raises several questions that I’d like to discuss:

  • What role do women play in preventing domestic violence in a relationship?
  • Is a man justified in attacking is partner if he is provoked or attacked?
  • Should women be more self-aware and respectful toward men?
  • Do women use the convention that “men should never put their hands on a woman” as an excuse to mistreat men?

Let me know your thoughts. Please keep the comments civil. I want to have an honest discussion that doesn’t turn nasty.

Stay Strong,


About author

Frederick J. Goodall

Frederick J. Goodall is the founder of Mocha Dad - a parenting website focused on fatherhood. He is passionate about parenting and helping men to be great dads, husbands, and role models. You can contact him at or on Twitter at