Dear Textbook Publishers,
I recently heard about Texas’ changes to social studies, history and economics lessons that will be taught to millions of students for the next decade. As a native Texan, I’m proud that my state was able to wield such influence on education and American history. In fact, their success has inspired me to contribute my own ideas for future textbooks.
Proud to be Awesome
First, I would like to see our country referred to as “America the Awesome” because, well, we’re awesome! All school children need to be proud of our awesomeness so they can compete with the French in the area of smugness. We have lost our competitive edge in this important global metric. Even Canadians are more smug than we are.
Real Illegal Aliens
Next, let’s make sure that aliens get their proper due. History textbooks have traditionally been silent on extraterrestrials’ contributions to America the Awesome’s history. Where would this country be without the contributions of Mork from Ork, Uncle Martin, The Great Gazoo, ALF and of course E.T.? Sure all of these guys were living here illegally and would be arrested in Arizona, but their immigration status should not exclude them from being taught in our classrooms.
All Hail the Chief
We also need to trim the list of presidents. What have John Tyler, Chest A. Arthur, and Benjamin Harrison, done for us lately. They don’t even appear on currency.
And while we’re on the subject of presidents, you need to make an adjustment to the lesson on Mount Rushmore. Please use Photoshop to replace the heads of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt with those of Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Bill Russell because these NBA legends are way cooler than some stodgy, old Commanders-In-Chief.
I do agree with Texas’ idea to boost President Reagan’s stature, but why end there? Let’s also dedicate a special chapter to his partner Bonzo. After all, he was responsible for the Gipper’s political success.
Martin Luther the King
Texas also had a few problems with how the Civil Rights Movement was portrayed and so do I. In future editions of your textbooks, I would like you to add a crown to all photographs of Martin Luther King, Jr. and proclaim him King of Civil Rights. That way, we won’t have to waste our kids’ time teaching them about other Civil Rights leaders such as Dorothy Height, Ralph Abernathy, or Whitney Young because they were not royalty.
Jay-Z for President
Where Texas and I disagree is on the issue of hip-hop. Texas believes that hip-hop is not a culturally significant movement. Without hip-hop, the world would be devoid of Vanilla Ice, kids walking around with their pants on the ground, or Washington Mutual bankers rapping: “I like big bucks, and I cannot lie/You mortgage brothers can’t deny.” I say, add hip-hop to the curriculum and allow teachers to present all lessons in the form of rap songs.
One Last Edit
Finally, I would like for you to exclude all references to the following items:
- The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
- The global financial system collapse
- The BP Oil Spill
Let’s just pretend that these events never occurred. I recommend that you replace them with tweets about Glee.
Thanks for your time and consideration. I’m looking forward to my children’s studying the revised editions of your textbooks. God Bless America the Awesome and Texas!