The dreaded “Man Cold” has been crippling the male species since time began. The Bible doesn’t go into detail, but I’m convinced that Adam agreed to eat the apple because his judgment was clouded by a “man cold.”
If you’re unfamiliar with the man cold, allow me to explain. It is a “debilitating disease” can be “near fatal. It’s specific to the male species and demands fast attention. The symptoms are horrible: coughing, sneezing, sore throat, low energy and the telltale man-whine.
If your husband is dealing with these symptoms, you must follow these steps to help him get well:
- Do not put him in bed. Instead, let him recoup here.
- Turn on the TV – fast. Find some sports or cartoons and give him the remote control.
- He’ll be too weak to call for you, so make sure to check in on him every three minutes. A little bell is also helpful.
- He’ll need an endless supply of tissues, fast food, cookies and lots of tea.
- Once he shows signs of improvement (by asking you what you’re doing every 10 minutes), he’s ready for movie therapy. Star Wars, James Bond, or sports related movies work well during this next step in the man cold treatment plan. Note: No matter how much he begs, do not let him watch “Brian’s Song.” In his weakened state, the emotional drain will be too much for him.
- If a week has gone by and there’s no improvement, bring out the big guns: have a chick flick marathon consisting of Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, Steel Magnolias, and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and if he’s not in the shower after that, tell him you can’t remember if you feed a cold, starve a fever or the reverse, so you’d better ask your mother to come over.
- He’ll be back on his feet before you can say, “Do these pants make my butt look big?”
My friend, Teendoc, who blogs at Welcome to the Dollhouse, first diagnosed my man cold when I was pleading for sympathy on Twitter. My ailing fingers could barely type out the message, but I needed the world to know how miserable I was. Teendoc responded with a link to this video. After I watched it I thought, “Finally, a doctor who understands my misery.” I showed the video to my wife so she could have a better understanding of what I was going through. She went into a tirade about how mothers don’t have the luxury of having a “man cold” because they have to blah, blah, blah. I pulled my blanket over my head because I was way too sick to comprehend her rambling (BTW, this was a bad move).
A week later, I contracted a stomach virus. Instead of displaying sympathy, my daughter looked at my wife and said, “Oh, no. Looks like dad has another man cold. I guess he’ll be in bed all day, again.”
Question: Who handles illnesses better, men or women?